Ethos Series: Finding Virtues in Others
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This is part of a series on defining an Ethos for yourself, using me as an example. If you want to see the roadmap for this, or jump to a different section, then head back to the series introduction.
There [are] two sets of virtues, the résumé virtues and the eulogy virtues. The résumé virtues are the skills you bring to the marketplace. The eulogy virtues are the ones that are talked about at your funeral — whether you were kind, brave, honest or faithful.
We’ll get to résumé virtues one day1, but today I'm thinking about legacy. Luckily for me I'm not dead yet, so these can be a bit aspirational too. Hopefully someday soon I can live up to these expectations, and I think putting them out into the world is another step in that direction.
(Aspirational) Virtues
To help define these virtues I collected lists-from and opinions-of some of my best friends and my favorite mimetic models to see if I could piece together a venn diagram of sorts. If I want to be around and/or emulate a lot of people with the same characteristic, then that should be a safe bet as one of my virtues2.
Through those, I expanded out to a wide series of wants so I could regroup and consolidate back to my neatly packaged virtues. At least that’s the hope. Let’s dive in.
1. Loving
I’m starting with Love for obvious reasons; I have a family and I care a lot more about them than any of you. Don’t take it personal. I don’t think this requires any explanation so I’ll just drop the wants and move on.
Be a reliable foundation for close-knit family and friends; reduce stress and worry within group, everyone feels their needs are met
Make others feel valued, get the small things right
Be present, vulnerable, and empathetic; share a concentrated experience
2. Vivacious
Next up is to have a bright lively energy, really light up a room. I don't think I'll ever grow to be a center-of-attention, but with a little positive intention I can bring more of me out. I want to be:
Exciting and energetic
Full of wonder, thinking+awe
Alive with genuine interest, locked-in present
Always making creative connections, but not getting too far off track
I hold a lot of this energy back today. But with a eulogy on the brain I’m reminded that I can't take it with me, so I might as well use it now. After a bit of thesaurusing I went with the word vivacious to bring animated speech and physical wellness qualities that fit too.
3. Authentic
Unfortunately both of those have some major aspirational aspects (spoiler alert, they probably all do). So I need a grounding virtue. Not necessarily one that I have any more of today than the two above, but a tether to reality to pair with my idealized dreams.
Honesty and candid communication
Introspective to find what I really want, knowing my likes and dislikes
Not manipulative; focus on helping instead of coercing
Reading through these they are the most divergent group so far, but they all pivot on that first word, honesty. Honesty to speak up, honesty with myself, and honesty with others about my intentions. I can’t bring energy or be vulnerable if I’m still balancing shrouded lies left and right.
4. Optimistic
optimistic, rose-colored glasses
gratefulness, giving recognition
ABLE: Always Be Learning/Experimenting
Always learn from effort/mistakes/etc.
Trying and retrying, living for the experience
self-teaching
adaptability to changes and new information
Another kind of awkward category, but I can tell myself a story about how all of these relate to optimism.
Gratefulness requires seeing the ways others are helping me. That brings an all-in-this-together, rose-colored view of the world front and center stage. I can pair that with an optimistic view that people are trying their best even when things don’t work out perfectly.
ABLE was clearly an attempt at an acronym, and one that I was fond enough of to group a few subwants before it was absorbed here. But it takes optimism to believe I am able, that the learning and experimenting will succeed enough to pay off my efforts. Adaptability fits with this optimism of ability, and luckily comes naturally for me, so it’s kind of a throw-in anyway.
4a. *Open* Optimism
An amendment here: Optimism is also the most important of these wants for me to remember. Because not just any optimism will do. I’ve come to realize that optimism comes in two forms, and one of them is kind of ugly.
A lot of time the optimism I default to is saying things like, “I’m sure it’ll work out”. Which is dismissive when I really think about it. Even if it’s true in 95% of situations, there isn’t a need to jump past what I(/we) are feeling in the moment, except to protect myself from those feelings, which isn’t a very optimistic view of my adaptability.
So instead of telescoping past problems I want to sit back with my rose-colored glasses more often. I want to be open to whatever situation or feeling may come, and know that there is something useful to gleam from it. I can be positive and optimistic without cutting the experience short.
5. Impactful
Opportunistic, looking for asymmetries
Multiplicative of others, focusing on building and compounding
Taking smart risks whenever possible
Finding shortcuts/smartcuts and taking minimum effective doses
Speedruning with the best intentions, beating schedules and expectations
Not wasting effort, zooming through/around
Leverage is a hot term these days, so I would be remiss if I left that out. But it is also a bit too generic to join as a virtue. Leverage is about a ratio, an return on investment. I think asymmetry is still the key, but it needs to be paired with a large input to count as a success. So this is one place I will look to the result over the process and efficiency.
6. Enduring
I want to have:
Mental and physical longevity
Qualities like: evergreen, reusable, unstoppable
A long-term view, for my end game and my legacy
A focus on building systems, coding, and automation
Lastly3, I’ve cobbled together another. This is a virtue to encompass longevity and legacy in one. I still have a lot of plans in front of me, so I want to make sure I’m happy and healthy through all of them. I also want to keep an eye on the big goals at the end and make sure that what I am doing now will feed into where I want to go. Beyond just getting there myself, I want to be sure that I’m leaving something behind so that everyone else has a head start.
This is how the six virtues stack up:
Loving
Vivacious
Authentic
Optimistic
Impactful
Enduring
In the next part of this series we will turn this list of virtues into an embodied character. The Persona through which to live and breathe this virtuous life.
in Principles
Even if it is 100% aspirational today
6 seems like enough, I have good coverage and plenty to work on for now.